Saturday, August 28, 2010

Larry H.

so you were doing construction work and you accidentally nailed your hand to a 2x4. youre incompetent, angry, and seek revenge. you have the motor skills of patrick star... you need larry h parker.

for many years, larry h parker has been fighting for you. i once saw the guy step in the ring with a tiger. he sued the shit out of it! that tiger had so many legal fees to cover it was ridiculous.

one of my friends slipped while at work... i couldnt blame him. the kid he stepped on was totally in the way. they fired him! none of us could believe it. where was our justice? here he was.... practically on his death bed without any source of income other than the state welfare. we did what any other red blooded american would do, we sat on our asses and bitched. OMG did we bitch... we bitched at each other, we bitched at our neighbors... hell, even the mailman got bitched at. finally after watching maury, we saw an add for larry h parker. i almost hurt my hand dialing so fast. larry himself answered the phone and i told him about my friends accident and the near miss i just had with the number pad. he told me not to worry... shit, i wouldnt even have to pay until after he won the case! we sued the company for almost $50,000. thats like... a lot.

so the court date came and my friend and i put on our best suits. we went into the court room with larry. i was so nervous. larry seemed so confident. he kicked in the court room doors and busted his ass down the aisle. he threw his briefcase down and proceeded to TELL the judge how this shit is going to go down. everyone kept there whore mouths shut while he was talking.... it was amazing. the judge ruled in our favor and we got the money! it was awesome. larry took some legal fees and we ended up with $2,000.... pretty good!

larry h parker doesnt just fight for you.... he fights for america. last i heard, he was on his way to the gulf to try and stop the oil spill... with his bare hands...

Dave and Busters

dave & busters.... get wasted and play games. have more to drink.... expose yourself to the waiter... drink a little more.... well, that joystick will never be the same...

this place is expensive. its also loud and crowded. they have a super weird entry policy... follow me on this. under 18 with someone over 25=ok. over 21=ok. if youre say, 19 with a group of friends, they wont let you in!

i like the basketball game. i always win! i swipe my game card and this little wall lifts up. i once won 4 basketballs! they are usually pretty worn... but thats ok. i also like the claw game. theres nothing like molesting stuffed animals in a glass cube. some games are super hard to play. they have a racing game where up to 7 people can play together. i always lose... its hard to steer when you are jamming onion rings down your throat.

this location is kinda ghetto. the metal detectors keep out people wearing armor but do little to protect against ninjas. the highlight of the evening was finding pepper spray just outside the door in the bushes. i sprayed the closest 6 people i could find. LOL.. they were like OMG WHY? ive never seen so many tears!

for those of you that like to be groped... and i know some of you do... this place rocks for that. the casual "bump" at the pool table. the accidental "rub" at the bar.... the "sodomy" in the bathroom..... its all there. best part about all of it is that there are so many people you will never find out who is actually doing it! could it be the weird spanish guy with the pencil thin mustache? how bout the asian guy with the super cool spiked hair? it might even be the cougar you saw earlier at the bar! its probably not the cougar though... they only let it out on tuesdays and usually keep it chained up.

overall.... this place gets 5 stars for the hot molestation factor and 1 star for the lack of ninja protection.

Lizard Theater

i went to the lizard theater to see one thing... lizards. i expected to walk in, sit down, and enjoy a stage show performed by reptiles. biggest disappointment ever!

there wasnt a single lizard int the place. i checked the bathroom... no lizards. behind the bar... no lizards. i even went through peoples purses and only found like $40.... but no lizards.

i wanted to see the amazing chameleon with its super long tongue or a monitor lizard (half reptile, half computer screen). sigh...

Little Caesars

the pizza empire that Caesar has grown over the years is near its end. we will not stand for the taxes levied on the poor. too many of us have been forced to fight to the death in the coliseum. pizza pizza! is not a battle cry i support! the red sauce is the blood of our fallen brothers. the cheese is the goo that unites us... and the crust.... thats just crust.

for $5 you cant complain. does it taste like cardboard? yep, sure does. are you a fuckin food critic? no? then stfu! its a $5 pizza. i dont wanna hear how it doesnt taste good or how you need it modified to suit your needs. open the door, walk in, slam a $5 bill on the counter, verbally order your pizza, get some crazy bread, leave. you cant go wrong!

i hate people. (this isnt a typo btw)

i hate people that buy little caesars then bitch and moan about how it doesnt taste like pizza hut or papa johns. are you an idiot? if you wanted pizza hut then go buy it. whats that? youre too cheap? yeah... then shut up and eat some crazy bread.

crazy bread was invented by nazi scientists as a way of putting as many calories as possible in a small bread loaf. seriously! its bread, with cheese on top... then dipped in butter. this butter must me made from the milk of angels because its ridiculous. the grease on the top of the pizza is the best part. who needs dipping sauce when you got this stuff?

the cashier at this particular location was pretty hot... thats a plus. its hard to impress someone when youre dropping $5 for pizza to eat by yourself... and youre obese.

overall, little caesars makes a pretty good pizza at a cheap price. its fast and easy... just like (insert girls name... *everyone lols*) they dont take credit card or debit. is it that hard to get $5 in cash? are you so wealthy that finding that piddly amount is just too hard to do? my word! i had no idea mr trump was gonna buy his family a pizza with his gold card.

bottom line: youre fat, cheap, and lazy.... go get a pizza from little caesars