Monday, October 01, 2012


yo dawg... you want some cactus action? sharp ass plants you cant touch or put near kids? shit... count me it! california cactus center has it going on!

this place has cactus. they are all spiky and green. some are in pots... i wasnt paying attention. they say cactus makes a great gift. being on the receiving end of many gifts in my lifetime... birthdays, christmas, kwanzaa... i can tell you right now, i would punch you in the face if you gave me a cactus. seriously... are you that big of an ass? hey dude... i got you this cactus. its low maintenance like your sister. wtf? yeah, thanks for this prickly piece of shit that no one can touch for fear of injury. let me just put this in the window for everyone to admire. they will complement me on the thorns and quality of potting gravel. 

driving by this place you would think that it is an abandoned lot. imagine the apocalypse happening in a 200x200 square on rosemead blvd. the best thing at the cactus center is the del taco next door. i recommend the #1. 

in general, cactus is something you keep to yourself. it isnt a gift... its barely even a plant. 

3 stars because del taco is nearby...


sup fools! i needed to get some bling bling for my grill and some other sparkly shit... so i got my homies and peeps and went down to tiffanys....

now dawg, this place aint for posers, no no... this place is for true ballers. the people are freakin legit! as soon as we walked through the door with our roca wear and fubu clothing they knew we were real. they came over and immediately felt our clothing all over while we stood with our arms against the wall. they could barely get over how nice it was.

so i take out my gold toof and im like... HOLLA! i want some diamonds bitch! the bitch ass from behind the counter gets me some ice and i start putting them in my mouth. i found the perfect one almost immediately. it sparkled like a glock in the moonlight.  

dis place is fo real! im gettin all my bling bling at tiffanys!


listen... weve all been to target. lol i call it targĂ©.... really? do you? wow... thats a new one to me. you see, i was living under a rock with cork in my ears for the last 50 years. im totally impressed by your wit. 

i go here to buy stuff. i use money. easy... they sell everything from luggage to toys. you can even get food here! the food court is pretty awful. the popcorn tastes like sandpaper and the hot dog may as well be fecal matter in a bun. if youre coming to target to eat, you are fat, ugly, and need help. 

some of the things i like to do at target:

open packages of underwear.... people wont buy open underwear 
touch EVERYTHING.... everything
go to the freezer section and ask for odd food items... gator bits
play games in electronics while a little kid waits... his mom is totally right there and wants to leave... he is all worried he wont get a turn... i just play until the mom is like LETS GO! lol.... then as they are leaving i make sure the kid sees me...

Olive Garden

everyone likes pasta... yes you do... shut up. olive garden has like 8 different types and its all you can eat for 8.95. as if that wasnt enough to get you hot and heavy they also have salad and bread sticks. let me tell you, the feeling of putting that long, warm bread stick in your mouth is a feeling like no other...

we had a large party so we made it easy and all ordered the never ending pasta thing. the pasta was very good and pretty much the best thing ever. our waitress was stressed to the max and we didnt help... we asked for all kinds of weird shit like vinegar and oil.... more salad... a song and dance number... a golden eagle... and another fork. 

one waiter that gave us water was obviously high. in fact, he spilled water all over the place and into the pasta my friend was eating. he then proceeded to get naked and run around the restaurant yelling about how we were eating people. 

in general, the meal was good. everyone was happy...

Red Lobster

i got crabs from red lobster... they tasted ok. the real treasure here are the freakin biscuits. i would beat a unicorn to death for a basket of those butter soaked heart stoppers. pro tip: order crabs and open up a biscuit. place the crab in there.... close it up. you are now going to eat a McCrab sandwich. dip the whole thing in butter for that extra fat feeling.

the waiting room has a small tank where they keep criminal lobsters. these lobsters committed many a crime while in the sea. i saw one that had a tattoo... said "pinch this! Bitch!"

while waiting for my table i saw no less than 3 lobster knife fights. it was obvious which one was the bitch lobster. he just curled up in the corner and watched the others battle over his oddly small anus.

in general, the wait staff was friendly.... i was slightly upset that none of them where actual sailors. overall.... ok experience.

Tea Station

are you a bitch? sure you are! thats why you think it's a good idea to go to tea station. this place makes me want to expose myself to many types of dangerous and mysterious diseases in hopes that it will end my life so i dont have to eat here. 

first of all... this place isnt even a station, its a restaurant. not a train or bus in sight. the place feels like a cheap plastic toy. they have little tea pots (neither short nor stout) that have price tags on them up to like $200. really? you really think someone will pay $200 for a shitty little clay teapot? obviously they do because the food here is expensive and greatly lacking substance. i ordered chicken... i think. i pointed to the picture because the waitress didnt speak english. im fine with that... but they gotta know what chicken is. i got meat... on rice... with what seemed to be mushrooms. point is, it sucked ass. 

imagine being a dolphin... youre out in the ocean doing your thing... evil dolphin stuff... ok? then one day you get hung up on something. its a net... oh noes! so you react... *thrash to the left* *thrash to the right* *get mad* *break shit* *RAGE* you eventually except your fate as part of a tuna salad... sad day! 

thats what eating at tea station is like. no matter how hard you try to like it, it gives you a reason to hate it. wontons? i fucking LOVE wontons! the ones at tea station taste like crusty skin deep fried in toilet water. i swear i could produce better food if someone cut off all my arms and legs, stabbed me, then lit me on fire. 

stay away from this place...

In n Out

i went to in n out today... worst decision EVER. the temple city, ca location is the WORST in n out ever. i got to witness as one of the employees used his bare hands to push the trash into the can... then turn around and start handling food (potatoes). seriously guys, get it together. this is gross and i will avoid this location like the plague. you pride yourself on your nice clean restaurants yet the this location doesnt seem to care.

Big Wangs

let me tell you how awesome big wangs is. this place makes buffalo wild wings look like the inbred hick flipper child of hometown buffet and burger king. their wings are amazing and huge compared to other similar restaurants. they give you your beverages in these giant 2 gallon cups so you never have flag down a waitress (ill get to them in a second) for more sweet nectar of life. your lips will be on fire when those spicy ass wings hit you like chris brown. 

the waitresses are amazing, both in looks and skill. my waitress (Marissa... you can tell which one she is because shes the cutest) asked if it was my first time and i said yes. she then proceeded to explain the menu and the specials to me.  i got hooked up with what can only be described as the meat of some mythical delicious creature. i wept at the fact that i knew in just a few short minutes i will have consumed all my food. i almost didnt eat the last wing so i could stay longer and enjoy the company of my fabulous waitress (Marissa... shes the cute one, remember?)

Go here... eat food... get drinks... watch a game. This place is AMAZING.