Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Organic Food

Organic food is for hippies!

i hate organic food. i dont care if it is good for me... i dont care if it has a lot of nutrients. what the hell are nutrients anyway? that is all anyone ever talks about! screw that shit! i want by blue 46 and yellow 23. i dont care what the flavor is... whats my favorite flavor? green! thats my favorite flavor. how is green a flavor? hell if i know!

i will tell you right off the bat... there is nothing better in life than biting into a big juicy government controlled steroid enriched burger. fuck regular cows! those are the bitch cows that dont get any. i want the big meaty cow with an extra head for added flavor! i wont buy anything in a store that doesnt say artificial added flavor. i love artificial flavor! there is nothing like a cherry pepsi... all filled with whatever the hell they put in it. my favorite juice is the one that says... contains 0% juice. hell yeah, water and color....thats it! then give it to the flavor elf to make it all badass and good. yeah, i said it... flavor elf.

now if you are that guy that only eats soy milk and likes to marry animals instead of decapitating them for food.... you are an asshole. the whole point of a chicken is to die. that is the only reason they even exist. wait.... scratch that, first you need to pump them full of corn and chemicals for taste... i wont eat it unless it has like 50 heads and more juice than barry bonds. chicken nuggets are awesome. they come in 2 shapes, one for dipping and the other for more dipping. you cant make it any easier than that!

most animals would kill for a chance to die for you... trust me. most animals would throw themselves in front of a train if they knew we would scrap them up for food. cats and dogs have been killing themselves with cars for years... when your dog gets smashed, it means he wanted you to eat him, now honor his ass by eating it!

is it just me, or are all the people that buy that organic crap always stuck up and to good to be like everyone else? screw you! wow, you are way cool... you just spent $5 on a can of soy milk. yay for you. i took my $5 and got 5 Mc Chickens.... thats right, 5 chinkens died for this badass meal. you are a pansy...

salad is totally badass if you dont care about organic. it comes in a sack. hell yes! i just rip open the bag with my totally bomb high fructose corn syrup hands and BAM! salad for me and my 3 closest friends. wait, i forgot... i need meat on this.... there we go, bacon bits and chiken strips. so with the 5 mc chickens, i am at 7 animals. that sounds like a cool number. if only there was a way to celebrate... i know! i will ride a horse... to the dog food factory! piece of shit horse...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Sonic Burger

Sonic Burger is lame!

i live in southern california. we got a few of these shitty burger joints called sonic burger out here. they claim to be americas drive in. screw that! i hate sonic. the bitches have got to be the slowest people on the planet. the whole system they use is jacked up. so you get to sonic burger and you have a couple of choices. you can either pull your car into a special stall where you can sit and rot... or you can get your fat lazy ass out of your car and sit at a table and rot. in either case, if you do ever actually get your food, congratulations! you place your order through this magical talking board. you press the button and wait for some asshat to say, "welcome to sonic, can i make your life miserable?".

the sonic i went to took roughly 15 minutes just to answer the god damned board call. i could have died in that time! do you have any idea what can take place in 15 minutes? i do, and let me tell you something, it is a lot of crap. so the dumb bitch finally comes on and asks me for my order. i look at the 5 foot neon sign that says ONION RINGS. i lean in for the kill... i would like some small onion rings. "we are out of onion rings". are you serious? you have a sign that had to cost about $500 and you took the time to light it up and you dont even carry the product it advertises.

i finally place my order and i wait. i have seen turkish prisons that operate more smoothly than this place. like a conveyerbelt of stupidity, the waitresses come out 1 by 1 shouting, "who go the tots?" you simply raise your hand and BAM! you get your order. but in my situation, my order never came. i asked 3 times for it. people that got there 15 minutes after were getting their food, why couldnt i get mine? i will tell you why! they just give orders at random to people. they dont give a shit who takes it, they just want the food out of the kitchen. i finally had to talk to the pink midget that was the manager and explain to her that i am not some piece of meat that can be left to die.

this got me thinking, how can a place called sonic be so shitty and slow? the real sonic is fast and furious and has a "life partner" named tails. and you can ask tails... he is really fast. and the real sonic knows how you really want it. you think it is really kinky when he has all those rings dont you? so anyway, after i finally get my order, it is wrong. i said screw it and ate it all. after about 1 1/2 hours, i had my meal and about a good portion of anger. i hate sonic burger, the food tastes like shit.

as if my whole experience couldnt get any worse.... i got spammed. some dumbass came up to me and asked for money for children in some country i couldnt pronounce. i look at this guy, he has a desi-gner shirt on with pretty nice shoes... along with a good pair of shorts. mabye if these kids werent so busy making this guys clothes, they could be out getting some decent money. i say we do the american thing and just let what happens happen, then worry about it after the fact.

THANK YOU sonic for a great experience! i will be sure to rate you guys right up there with ball in a cup.

Attention Whores're pretty ugly

you know who you are... your a whore. but not just any whore, oh no, your special. you are an attention whore. real whores give out blowjobs and perform strange sex acts for pennies on the dollar. not you though... you have dignity. you have class. you ooze upscale. you are an attention whore.

usually attention whores are roughly aged 14 to 21. they tend to be somewhat attractive and have that bubbly personality that makes you want to beat them to death with their own arms. they always want to be a part of the conversation... scratch that, they want to BE the conversation. if it isnt about them, they arent interested. they pretend to be all over you and your friends. "look at me, dont i look beautiful?" these girls have a knack for finding the right people at the right time. like a guided missile they find the nearest, dumbest person that is willing to give them the time of day. most attention whores are like feral cats. you feed it and they are yours forever.

the last th
ing you need is an attention whore. like weeds in a garden they can suck the life out of you and your friends. but guess what.... thats all they are going to suck. yeah, thats right... they wouldnt know what to do with it if it hit them in the face. they are all cock teases. they wear scandalous outfits and do suggestive dancing... all in an attempt to get ATTENTION! they want it so bad they will practically do anything to get it. they would club the pope to death with a kitten if they knew it would get them some air time on the news. give me a break! most of them dont even realize that most of the guys hate them.

every once in a while you will find a special breed of attention whore. the UGLY attention whore. these chicks are fat and still want you to like them. whereas a regular whore oozes herpes... these bitches sweat gravy. you could literally s
neak up to them with a biscuit and wipe it on their arm for a well balanced brakfast. be careful though... if you see one of these whores and try to run away, they might use their tractor beam to pull you in. in another scenario, if you try to run by them in hopes that they dont see you... you might just go into orbit. you are helpless... you float through the space around their body until feedng time comes around. like being thrown into a Rancor pit, you will be ripped limb from limb. any escape attemt is usless and you should just slit your wrist and hope you bleed to death before she starts her feeding cycle.

to take out an attention whore you need a couple of things... a brick, a pole, and a small animal. first things first. using your pole, stab the animal in the head. dangle it in front of the attention whore... and when she goes for it, knock her fat ass out with the brick. now that she is stunned, lift up the folds under her chin and slit her throat. at this point you can hang her like a deer for cleaning and skinning at a later time. good luck..

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Pikachu is a douche bag!

i will say this upfront. i HATE pokemon with a passion. i now the fad is gone but i dont care! people still hate Hitler and he has been dead for 50 years! i could fill a landfill with all the crap i have to say about pokemon... but i think i will only go over the stuff i REALLY hate. first of all, look at this picture. "whats going on?", you ask... hell if i know! it looks like a dog on LSD has had a shitload of spicy food and has decided to vomit on pikachu as some form of sex act. pikachu on the other hand, being the little bitch that he is, is fighting back with about the same amount of electricity as i use to power my toaster oven. and WTF is that crap on his face? is he wearing makeup?

lets analyze the story behind pokemon. supposedly there are like 50 million pokemon and your goal... being the pre-prepubescent Japanese person you are... is to capture all of them. uh huh. the slogan says it.. "gotta catch'em all". i have heard this slogan before, now wear can it be from? oh thats right! that is the slogan of the red light district! why have 1 STD when you can have 6! i mean, hell, while your at it, you can share condoms and needles too! so anyway, you are a 13 year old jap and you are seeking some form of approval from your homophobic friends. isnt that what smoking is for? no, thats too easy... you have to go out into the wilderness alone and fight! battle to the death with other 13 year old Japanese kids! well, not really. you see, you actually dont do any of the fighting... your pokemon does.

THATS RIGHT BITCH! you sit on your fat ass and yell shit at your pokemon during the battle! slash attack! sock him in the face! beat his children! etc. etc. etc. where do all these pieces of shit come from you ask? well, these are random free creatures running rampant on some form of land. they are then captured and forced to live in a small ball called a poke ball. these balls are usually kept in some form of sack. some refer to it as a "ball sack". now the pokemon are forced to battle with each other to the death for the pure entertainment of the owners. this is were it gets intense. some pokemon are little bitches, like clefairy. clefairy is basically a piece of shit. he/she/it sits there and does nothing. it bitches, it moans.... it is like a Maria Carrey album. now i dont know about you, but i would love to see the crap get kicked out of this thing.

so your busting through the forest with your gay ass clefairy that you captured about an hour earlier by telling it that you had love and candy inside of your clenched fist... at which point you proceeded to beat it to a bloody pulp until it crawled almost lifeless into your poke ball. you decide that you need to battle another pokemon... Charizard

Charizard is a badass. he has wings and fire on his ass... and some form of a brain tumor. either way, your clefairy is going to get owned. you send him into battle against Charizard. cower in fear you yell! stand there and dont do shit! at this point the Charizard has just about finished eating the gay ass clown you called a pokemon.

another cool thing about pokemon is that each one can only say its own name. example: pika, pikachu, chu chu, pika chu, chu pika... this roughly translates to: my owner tries to rape me at night while i sleep. what a piece of crap...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Fast food...


i really like fast food..... but i hate fast food resturants. actually, i just hate the owners of the franchises. these are the cheap ass bastards that have the nerve to charge me 10 cents for extra ranch, limit my refills to 2 cups, and ration napkins like we are at war.

so i bust into my local BK. i go up to the counter and order up some sweet creamy goodness, then i wait. i wait and wait and wait. maybe there is a long line of orders... or maybe the fat pig behind the counter is lazy as hell and slower than shit! whatever the case, i want my food and i want it now! finally my food comes. they call my number out loud and wait for me to come get it. i see my sandwich, fries, and a drink. super! i am a happy camper. then i ask for ranch. now i have had some pretty shitty encounters over this crap. you can substitute ranch for ketchup or whatever your condiment of choice is, but it is always the same story. they either A) give you 1 ranch, B) charge you for it, or C) say no. one time, someone had the nerve to ask me what i had ordered to deem it necessary to ration me some BBQ sauce. i got the chicken fingers bitch! who the hell cares? if i ordered fried dolphin on a stick and wanted some ranch, it shouldnt matter...just give it to me! RANCH NAZI!

finally i find a dime to give to the piece of crap that took my order. i eat my food like an animal and get shit all over my face... of course i am using proper fast food eating technique... i use my napkin to clean up. WTF! i got 1 napkin and i need more, thats cool, ill get some from the napkin dispenser. wait, there isnt one....hmmmm, i will ask the manatee at the counter. lo and behold, much like the ranch and BBQ before, the napkins are also worth more than your first born when it comes to quantity. i must be crazy because you guys are treating napkins like they are leaves of gold.

the only thing that can even begin to pacify me is the fact that i can enjoy a nice chilled beverage. my soda cost $1.29. not bad.... and that is after a 5,000% mark up! it cost a fast food chain about 5 cents to make a coke. the cost of the cup is the bulk of the price. i would have to drink about 15 gallons of soda to make them lose profit. so anyway, i finish my soda and proceed to the counter for a free refill. they give it to me.... but guess what, thats all i am going to get. they give your cup the black mark of death on the bottom the signifies it is now useless. you scream out as if your mother has just been assassinated in front of you. WHY WHY WHY?

now, i would like to talk about subway... subway has some good food, friendly people, and nice environment. whats the problem then? you ask! SUBWAY IS NOT QUIZNOS! if i want a toasted sub, i go to quiznos. if i want a nice warm meat sandwich, i go to quiznos. if i want a 10 minute wait because your sorry ass has to microwave the meat and use the speed toaster, i go to subway. OMG does it take forever when they toast it! i could slit my wrist and bleed to death all over the floor before they finish. eaten fresh? mabye about 15 minutes ago it was fresh, but now.... it is just a crappy $7.00 sandwich!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006



So i am starting up this blog to get a few things out there that i hate. it isnt the type of hate like a "hate crime"... it is the type of hate you experience when some asshole changes lanes 10 feet in front of you going 90 mph on the freeway.That seems like a good place to start... the freeway! first of all, it takes me about 50 years just to get on the damn thing from where i live! "i bet this asshat lives in montana with a herd of sheep if it takes him that long to get to the freeway"... no, you are wrong. i live less than 3 miles away from the nearest freeway. getting to it is the equivalent of being dropped out of a Chinook over a Vietnamese death camp with nothing but a spork and packet of ketchup. in case you cared, it is heinz... not hunts. and then busting into the main yard and destroying about 50 guards while holding the baby you rescued from the jail.... yeah, it is THAT hard.

so ok, i am now getting onto the freeway...easy, right? WRONG! this takes great skill and luck and lots more luck because i live in socal... thats right, LA. so i gun my car up the ramp hitting 85 mph before i can even think about merging. then here it comes.... a semi. for all i know, it can be full of illegal aliens or dope, or even doped up illegal aliens. i dont care... the point is that i need to get into that lane and i need to do it now. the way the freeways are set up, you have what i will call the "crappy window of time before your lane ends" or "c.w.o.t.b.y.l.e" for short. you know what i am talking about. it is like an arranged marriage, you have no say at all. your lane just magically disappears and POOF! you are now one with either A) a wall, B) another car, or C) the flow of traffic. you have about a 90% chance of A or B happening. i know you can do the math, thats right... you got it... 10%! you have a 10% chance of surviving the freeway onramp.

wow, what a rush! you just managed to get past the equivelent of male child birth and get onto the freeway in one piece. so now you get to hit the wide open road of sunny california and drive till darkness with your sweatheart. no, sorry... you just hit traffic. you are going 5 mph. you scream at the top of your lungs! "what the hell happened???" you quickly look for guidance from your dashboard yoda, you know, the all knowing GPS. but unlike the real yoda who has amazing powers... your gps simply explains to you that you are offically screwed. ok, so no gps... play it cool. you start to wonder, what the hell has happened up there that has caused all this traffic? considering you have just spent about 2 hours going slower than molasses in the winter, you are damn excited to see what it was that stole that precious time from your life. you creep up ever so slowly and then you see it. did someone's brains get splattered all over the freeway? did chuck norris and a clan of ninjas duke it out? is it some piece of shit asshole that every douche bag on the face of the planet has to slow down to watch change a tire.... YES! you try to think out loud as you try to grasp the situation at hand. this idiot is changing a tire, and a bigger group of idiots are watching him do it!!! meanwhile, you are pleading for someone to end your life!!!

so now we have gotten past the semis and the traffic... great, 10 more levels and i get to rescue the princess. so now i am driving to my destination when all of the sudden.. WHAM! here it comes. this guy is going +100 mph and he has decided to cut your sorry ass off. you are helpless! your heart skips a beat, oh no! does he even see me? no, he doesnt... in fact, he cant see anyone. wanna know why? because he doesnt give a rats ass about you! want further proof, wait till he gets about 30 feet in front of you. did you see that? yep, thats what you thought it was... he changed lanes, in front of you, without a turn signal... does he think he is better than you? hell yeah he does! this guy thinks that he owns the road... thats okay though, the police will eventually see him and pull him over....right? no, you are the one that gets pulled over! wanna know why? because you were going 67 mph. you piece of shit! how dare your break the law!

so now you have gotten past the semis, a douche bag, and received a $372 traffic ticket. how can it get any worse? did i mention that gas is $3.25 a gallon? yep, thats right! pwned bitch! you get a whopping 17 miles to the gallon. you think to yourself, maybe if i carpool i can save money. then you look at the carpool lane. you see a hybrid, with one person, in the carpool lane. "how can this be????" you scream with a razor blade against your wrist. then you see it. a small yellow sticker given to this tree hugger by the government because he spent $5,000 extra dollars on a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon. you hate this guy.... you hate him a lot! if it were legal, you would swerve into him right now and end your life and his!

you finally reach your destination... 3 1/2 hours later. well, you think to yourself, at least when i drive home at 11pm tonight there wont be any traffic. and you know what, you are right! there wont be any traffic... but do you know what there will be? construction! you might as well shoot yourself now! knowing your luck, every god damn off ramp will be open, except yours! ha ha! even cal trans has it out for you! they sit there and laugh at you... i hate those bastards!

next blog: fast food... 10 cents for ranch?