Sunday, July 16, 2006


Pikachu is a douche bag!

i will say this upfront. i HATE pokemon with a passion. i now the fad is gone but i dont care! people still hate Hitler and he has been dead for 50 years! i could fill a landfill with all the crap i have to say about pokemon... but i think i will only go over the stuff i REALLY hate. first of all, look at this picture. "whats going on?", you ask... hell if i know! it looks like a dog on LSD has had a shitload of spicy food and has decided to vomit on pikachu as some form of sex act. pikachu on the other hand, being the little bitch that he is, is fighting back with about the same amount of electricity as i use to power my toaster oven. and WTF is that crap on his face? is he wearing makeup?

lets analyze the story behind pokemon. supposedly there are like 50 million pokemon and your goal... being the pre-prepubescent Japanese person you are... is to capture all of them. uh huh. the slogan says it.. "gotta catch'em all". i have heard this slogan before, now wear can it be from? oh thats right! that is the slogan of the red light district! why have 1 STD when you can have 6! i mean, hell, while your at it, you can share condoms and needles too! so anyway, you are a 13 year old jap and you are seeking some form of approval from your homophobic friends. isnt that what smoking is for? no, thats too easy... you have to go out into the wilderness alone and fight! battle to the death with other 13 year old Japanese kids! well, not really. you see, you actually dont do any of the fighting... your pokemon does.

THATS RIGHT BITCH! you sit on your fat ass and yell shit at your pokemon during the battle! slash attack! sock him in the face! beat his children! etc. etc. etc. where do all these pieces of shit come from you ask? well, these are random free creatures running rampant on some form of land. they are then captured and forced to live in a small ball called a poke ball. these balls are usually kept in some form of sack. some refer to it as a "ball sack". now the pokemon are forced to battle with each other to the death for the pure entertainment of the owners. this is were it gets intense. some pokemon are little bitches, like clefairy. clefairy is basically a piece of shit. he/she/it sits there and does nothing. it bitches, it moans.... it is like a Maria Carrey album. now i dont know about you, but i would love to see the crap get kicked out of this thing.

so your busting through the forest with your gay ass clefairy that you captured about an hour earlier by telling it that you had love and candy inside of your clenched fist... at which point you proceeded to beat it to a bloody pulp until it crawled almost lifeless into your poke ball. you decide that you need to battle another pokemon... Charizard

Charizard is a badass. he has wings and fire on his ass... and some form of a brain tumor. either way, your clefairy is going to get owned. you send him into battle against Charizard. cower in fear you yell! stand there and dont do shit! at this point the Charizard has just about finished eating the gay ass clown you called a pokemon.

another cool thing about pokemon is that each one can only say its own name. example: pika, pikachu, chu chu, pika chu, chu pika... this roughly translates to: my owner tries to rape me at night while i sleep. what a piece of crap...

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