Tuesday, July 11, 2006



So i am starting up this blog to get a few things out there that i hate. it isnt the type of hate like a "hate crime"... it is the type of hate you experience when some asshole changes lanes 10 feet in front of you going 90 mph on the freeway.That seems like a good place to start... the freeway! first of all, it takes me about 50 years just to get on the damn thing from where i live! "i bet this asshat lives in montana with a herd of sheep if it takes him that long to get to the freeway"... no, you are wrong. i live less than 3 miles away from the nearest freeway. getting to it is the equivalent of being dropped out of a Chinook over a Vietnamese death camp with nothing but a spork and packet of ketchup. in case you cared, it is heinz... not hunts. and then busting into the main yard and destroying about 50 guards while holding the baby you rescued from the jail.... yeah, it is THAT hard.

so ok, i am now getting onto the freeway...easy, right? WRONG! this takes great skill and luck and lots more luck because i live in socal... thats right, LA. so i gun my car up the ramp hitting 85 mph before i can even think about merging. then here it comes.... a semi. for all i know, it can be full of illegal aliens or dope, or even doped up illegal aliens. i dont care... the point is that i need to get into that lane and i need to do it now. the way the freeways are set up, you have what i will call the "crappy window of time before your lane ends" or "c.w.o.t.b.y.l.e" for short. you know what i am talking about. it is like an arranged marriage, you have no say at all. your lane just magically disappears and POOF! you are now one with either A) a wall, B) another car, or C) the flow of traffic. you have about a 90% chance of A or B happening. i know you can do the math, thats right... you got it... 10%! you have a 10% chance of surviving the freeway onramp.

wow, what a rush! you just managed to get past the equivelent of male child birth and get onto the freeway in one piece. so now you get to hit the wide open road of sunny california and drive till darkness with your sweatheart. no, sorry... you just hit traffic. you are going 5 mph. you scream at the top of your lungs! "what the hell happened???" you quickly look for guidance from your dashboard yoda, you know, the all knowing GPS. but unlike the real yoda who has amazing powers... your gps simply explains to you that you are offically screwed. ok, so no gps... play it cool. you start to wonder, what the hell has happened up there that has caused all this traffic? considering you have just spent about 2 hours going slower than molasses in the winter, you are damn excited to see what it was that stole that precious time from your life. you creep up ever so slowly and then you see it. did someone's brains get splattered all over the freeway? did chuck norris and a clan of ninjas duke it out? is it some piece of shit asshole that every douche bag on the face of the planet has to slow down to watch change a tire.... YES! you try to think out loud as you try to grasp the situation at hand. this idiot is changing a tire, and a bigger group of idiots are watching him do it!!! meanwhile, you are pleading for someone to end your life!!!

so now we have gotten past the semis and the traffic... great, 10 more levels and i get to rescue the princess. so now i am driving to my destination when all of the sudden.. WHAM! here it comes. this guy is going +100 mph and he has decided to cut your sorry ass off. you are helpless! your heart skips a beat, oh no! does he even see me? no, he doesnt... in fact, he cant see anyone. wanna know why? because he doesnt give a rats ass about you! want further proof, wait till he gets about 30 feet in front of you. did you see that? yep, thats what you thought it was... he changed lanes, in front of you, without a turn signal... does he think he is better than you? hell yeah he does! this guy thinks that he owns the road... thats okay though, the police will eventually see him and pull him over....right? no, you are the one that gets pulled over! wanna know why? because you were going 67 mph. you piece of shit! how dare your break the law!

so now you have gotten past the semis, a douche bag, and received a $372 traffic ticket. how can it get any worse? did i mention that gas is $3.25 a gallon? yep, thats right! pwned bitch! you get a whopping 17 miles to the gallon. you think to yourself, maybe if i carpool i can save money. then you look at the carpool lane. you see a hybrid, with one person, in the carpool lane. "how can this be????" you scream with a razor blade against your wrist. then you see it. a small yellow sticker given to this tree hugger by the government because he spent $5,000 extra dollars on a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon. you hate this guy.... you hate him a lot! if it were legal, you would swerve into him right now and end your life and his!

you finally reach your destination... 3 1/2 hours later. well, you think to yourself, at least when i drive home at 11pm tonight there wont be any traffic. and you know what, you are right! there wont be any traffic... but do you know what there will be? construction! you might as well shoot yourself now! knowing your luck, every god damn off ramp will be open, except yours! ha ha! even cal trans has it out for you! they sit there and laugh at you... i hate those bastards!

next blog: fast food... 10 cents for ranch?


Anonymous said...

yesh. try driving in tijuana or guadalajara

Anonymous said...

yeesh. try driving in tijuana or guadalajara. that's painful. especially when cops pull you over and you must pay them to leave.